Ways To Kill The Fop
by Kianra17
Summary: When Erik gets bored, he thinks of the first thing he can to do. How could he kill Raoul. As the Phantom's mind starts churning, some... interesting things come out! Rated 'T' for some violence. CHAPTER 4 UP!
1. Part I

**Ways To Kill The Fop**

Erik stared at the wall again. Bored, as usual. Ever since Christine left, there was nothing to do!So Erik began to ponder the first thing that came to his mind…

How could he kill Raoul?

Erik drifted off to sleep with a small smile on his face.

-

It was midnight. A dark shadowy figure climbed through the window of the Vicomte de Chagny's home. Besides a dark cloak that covered his whole body, there was a glinting white mask.

The figure glanced around the room. The washroom. He went to the vanity, which the Vicomte certainly used a lot, and opened the drawer. The figure, Erik, glanced through the belongings. Brushes…makeup—hopefully Christine's- … Viagra? Erik stifled a giggle. Figures.

Then he found what he was looking for. Hair dye, toothpaste, gel, and mouthwash. Erik pulled the hair dye from the drawer. His cynical grin grew wider. Did the Vicomte have some grays already? Or was he a natural blonde?

Erik pulled the lid off and smelled the odd mixture. Roses. Erik rolled his eyes. He set the bottle down on the countertop and opened the sack that he carried over his back. His hand came out clutching a bottle of hot pink dye 49. Erik dumped the whole thing into the container and shook it. Then he smelled it again. Roses. Good. The man would never guess until it was too late. Erik slid it back into the drawer.

Next the toothpaste came out of the drawer. Erik reached into his pack again and retrieved another bottle of dye. Erik removed a syringe from his pocket and got some of the dye into it. Taking off the lid of the toothpaste, Erik inserted the tip of the syringe into the tube. To get the dye all through the tube, Erik capped the toothpaste and squeezed it until he was confident that the dye was tainting the "whitening" toothpaste.

After the toothpaste had been replaced, Erik took out the bottle of gel, and from his pack a small tube of something he liked to call "super glue". Erik looked at the bottle. "Firm Hold", it read. He laughed. Yeah. This'll be some firm hold. Raoul better wash his hands after use!

When the gel was replaced, Erik looked to the finishing touch. The bottle of mouthwash. Inside of his bag was the last thing. Erik dumped the entire contents into the mouthwash and shook it gently. Not enough to really get it bubbly, though.

His handiwork finished, Erik escaped out the window. Morning would bring interesting things to the Vicomte's home.

-

Raoul stretched and looked out the window. Another beautiful day. Climbing out of bed, he circled around the bed and kissed his sleeping wife's cheek. She stirred slightly but didn't wake.

Walking into the bathroom, Raoul stared at his face in the mirror. _Oh,_ he thought, _I'm so handsome. No wonder Christine married me._

Opening the drawer, Raoul pulled out his morning objects that he always used. Hair dye, just in case his hair wasn't looking too great that morning; toothpaste to brush his teeth; gel to style his hair, and mouthwash to freshen his breath. Usually he just took some of the mouthwash along to work, instead of using it right after he brushed his teeth. He planned on doing that today.

After using the hair dye, Raoul wrapped the towel around his head and waited ten minutes for the dye to set. Then he washed his hair and got out his toothbrush. Squeezing some of the paste onto his toothbrush, Raoul cocked his head. That was odd. Yellow toothpaste. He hadn't remembered it being like that! Well, must be a new one Christine bought. Raoul brushed his teeth and thought nothing more of it.

Raoul looked into the mirror and smiled. Then the grin faded. What in the world? His hair was pink! Hot pink! And his pearly whites weren't so white anymore. Thinking it a trick of his eyes, Raoul continued on with his morning routine. Smearing the gel into his hair, Raoul looked into the mirror—which was obviously broken—and nodded. Just perfect. Except for the one chunk that was standing out around the edge. Raoul washed his hands then tried to fix the stubborn piece of hair. It wouldn't budge. Raoul sighed and gave up. Sticking the bottle of mouthwash into his pocket, he went into his room to get Christine up so she could make his breakfast.

-

"AHHHH!" Christine's scream reverberated thoughout the house. "WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY HUSBAND!" she exclaimed.

"Lotte, its me!" Raoul pleaded.

"No. It can't be. You have pink hair and bright yellow teeth." Christine told him.

"I thought the mirror was just playing tricks on me!"

"I don't think so. This is bad, Raoul. Bad!"

Raoul took the mouthwash out of his pocket. "Maybe this will help with my teeth, at least." He insisted.

Taking a swig, Raoul capped the bottle. It hadn't done anything. Raoul swallowed the mouthwash.

"Raoul! You're not supposed to swallow…it?" Christine exclaimed, her sentence trailing off as Raoul collapsed, dead, on the floor. "I don't think it affects you that way! There must be poison in it! Oh Raoul! What will I ever do without you?"

Christine's head popped up as Erik crawled through the window. "Christine, will you consider marrying me!"

-

Erik awoke from his dream and grinned. This was a nice way to pass the time.

_So what do you think? Stupid, yes. Funny? I hope. More coming soon!_

_Kara_


	2. Part II

Ways to Kill the Fop 2

* * *

Erik sighed. He'd had another boring day. There was only one thing he could do to make himself feel much better. With a smile, he closed his eyes and began to dream…

The dark figure crawled through the window of the Vicomte de Chagny's dark house. Raoul and Christine were away on a cruise for a month, and Erik was taking this opportunity to set up a death trap for the Vicomte.

It was a big job, and was going to take lots of genius on Erik's part. But, Erik sighed, revenge was revenge. And he had a whole month to complete it. Erik turned the lights on. Where would be the perfect place to hold this death plan? He pondered, and looked around the room for a while. It came to him, then. Raoul's dressing room! Christine most likely wouldn't go in there, so he didn't have to worry about killing his one true love…

Erik shook his head to snap himself out of it. It was no time to think of Christine. Only of Raoul… and how to kill him. Walking into Raoul's dressing room, Erik grinned evilly. The Vicomte had obviously insisted on taking his whole wardrobe. The 5x6 room was quite empty.

The Phantom set to work, pulling out the sheets of wood and rock that he would need. The room had to seem innocent, yet be dangerous on the inside. Erik figured that if he could find a way to attach the boards so they would look innocent until Raoul shut the door. Then they would swing around—revealing evil pointing rocks.

Then the door would lock tightly. Pulleys and levers would be everywhere. Erik snorted. With his luck, the Vicomte would probably strangle himself to death in panic as the walls start to close in on him.

As Erik finished the first part, he realized that this was going to be easier than he thought. Why? Because obviously Raoul spent a lot of time in his closet, weeping in pity for himself. Why would he be weeping in pity for himself? Take a wild guess. You'll probably hit it no matter what you choose. There was a box of tissues—mostly all—sitting on the shelf. One thing the Vicomte had forgotten.

Within fifteen days, the trap was set… and it waited for its prey.

Erik wanted to see the show himself. He loved watching his enemies die. So he climbed into the attic and cut a small hole so he could see the plan in action. Christine and Raoul would be home in fifteen more days. Erik headed back to the opera house for thirteen of them. Then he moved back so that he wouldn't miss it.

As he settled in up in the attic, Erik heard the door slam. Grinning, he listened intently. Within minutes, the sound of the Vicomte's heavy footsteps resounded. Of course, he headed for his closet first to put all of his clothing away before it could get wrinkled. Oddly enough, Raoul did shut the door behind him. Erik grinned. The party was about to begin.

The locks clicked in place and the walls swung around. The sharp rocks were now pointing at Raoul, only three feet away on both sides. The Vicomte screamed. "What is this? What is going on?" Raoul cried.

"This, Vicomte, is called…" Erik paused for drama. "Revenge."

"PHANTOM! Oh no! I knew this day would come! Philippe! Philippe! SAVE MEEEE!"

"No one can save you now…not even Chrsitine." Erik threw his voice so it seemed really creepy.

Raoul whimpered. Erik pulled the lever that would set the walls in motion. Raoul screamed shrilly as the walls began to close in on him. "I'm going to die! Are you crazy!"

"Yes." Erik replied smugly.

The walls were about three inches away from Raoul when Erik stopped them. The Vicomte didn't move. Erik then grinned and moved the walls in one foul swoop in on the Vicomte. His last screams were barely heard as Erik threw his voice through the mansion:

"Christine, your lover is dead. Will you marry me now?"

* * *

_Oh. That was gruesome. MUAHAHAHAHAHA! I love it. Fun fun fun. R R!_

_Kara_


	3. Part III

**_Here is a new chapter for all you fop-haters out there! Enjoy!

* * *

_**

Erik was bored again. He'd spent the whole day doing practically nothing. After scaring a couple of chorus girls and chasing the managers down the hall, he found himself bored This "phantom" thing could only be so drawn out. Closing his eyes, he curled up in his coffin and went to sleep to dream of more ways to torture Raoul…

XxXxX

Raoul was so excited. He and Christine were going to the opera house to see the newest production at the Paris Opera House: Phantom of the Opera. It was a new show and Raoul had gotten backstage passes. The title had been a bit of a shock since it seemed familiar.

When they got backstage, it seemed as though panic was settling down over the actors and actresses. From down the hall, an almost non existent voice and an exuberant voice were heard.

"Vat happened?" the first voice yelled.

"I don't know!" the other whined in a small voice.

Raoul was shocked. It was Carlotta and Piangi.

"What is wrong?" Christine asked, getting to them.

"I lost my voice!" Piangi yelled… or tried to.

"What parts do you play?" Christine asked.

"I played the part of myself, La Carlotta since no one can sing as lovely as me." Carlotta said proudly.

"Wait, you're in it as yourself?" Raoul asked.

"Yes. And Piangi here was going to be the Phantom. But he can't even sing a note now!" Carlotta huffed.

"Couldn't before either!" Christine whispered in Raoul's ear.

"THAT'S IT! WE QUIT. THIS PLACE IS SO EVIL AND MEAN AND I DON'T SEE ANY PROFIT FROM ME WORKING HERE. FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO PLAY THE MAIN CHARACTERS!" a man yelled, and took a woman's hand trying to pull her out. Finally he succeeded and they were gone.

"Oh my goodness!" Carlotta moaned. "Could this get any worse? Opening night and we have hardly any of the main parts. How can _The Phantom of the Opera_ be acted out without Raoul, Christine, and the Phantom?" Carlotta exclaimed.

"Christine?" Christine asked.

"Raoul?" Raoul asked.

They were pale.

"Why are we in this?" Christine asked.

"It is the story of you, Raoul, and Erik. The doomed love triangle, destined for death!" Carlotta laughed evilly.

"Oh." They chorused.

Suddenly, puffs of black smoke popped up. It also happened to just be the moment when the chorus was practicing: "He's there, the Phantom of the opera! Beware the Phantom of the Opera!"

Erik appeared, looking dashing in his cape, fedora, and half white mask. "I've come to play the part of the Phantom. You, boy…FOP… will be playing the part of Raoul, and Christine, dear Christine, you'll be playing the part of ….. CHRISTINE!"

Erik clapped his hands. "Com'n. Makeup everyone… and Piangi, that's not the way my disfiguration looks… this is!" Erik showed the man his face. Piangi fainted.

XxXxX

Right before the curtain opened, Erik wrung his hands. This was so exciting! He was actually going to be playing the part of himself in a musical. Besides, he'd get to be close to Christine again.

After going over a couple of things with Christine, he felt that she was ready. Raoul was born ready. It was enough that he was dumb to play the part.

Erik gulped as the curtain opened and the show began.

XxXxX

Christine knew this play like the back of her hand even though she'd just been casted a few hours ago. The musical was her life! As it came to the end, and she came on the stage behind Erik, pretending to struggle, she tried to hide a grin. Through his disfiguration, he was almost cute.

When Raoul came in, Christine closed her eyes and tried to calm herself. He was way too good at this "fop" thing. Why in the world had she chosen him over Erik? In some ways, Christine wished that Erik had killed him when they were in the final scene.

XxXxX

Erik grinned, ready for the final scene. As he tightened the noose around Raoul's neck, he pulled it tighter than was comfortable for the man. Raoul's eyes widened.

"For either way you choose, you can not win! You've past the point of no return…."

Erik's lines ended.

He felt that this was the right moment. With all of his might he pulled on the lasso, and he heard the distinct snapping of the man's neck. A gasp circled through the theatre.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Erik cackled. He walked over to Christine, "Will you marry me now?"

Christine's hand flew to her mouth. She took one glance at Raoul's lifeless, hanging body before nodding and throwing her arms around Erik's neck.

She pulled his face down and they kissed their first REAL kiss.

* * *

_**There! I finally updated. I hope you enjoyed that… lovely vision of Raoul's neck being snapped ON STAGE. Oh yes, it is wonderful.**_

_**-Kara**_


	4. Part IV

Erik's playing slowed… and then stopped. He'd been playing his organ for ten hours straight. His mind could take no more. He slumped over the keyboard, and with a harsh chord he fell asleep and began to dream of another way to kill Raoul.

XxXxX

Raoul was so excited! Christine had obtained tickets to go to the zoo. He had never been to the zoo before and had no clue what to expect. Would the animals let him pet them. His favorite animal was currently the peacock. He just loved how pretty it was. And it reminded him of someone… oh yeah. Himself!

Christine smiled wryly at her childish husband. She couldn't believe that he'd never even been to the zoo before. The opera house had taken all of the children who performed a couple of times.

As the two sat in the carriage, they were unaware of the dark figure that drove their carriage. Raoul chatted endlessly about how he was going to see the lions, and tigers, and bears.

"Oh my." Thought Christine. What've I gotten myself into? She thought.

When the carriage pulled up at the London Zoo, Christine extracted herself and her huge skirts without the help of Raoul. He was already running ahead. She noticed that the driver looked very familiar. Shrugging, she followed Raoul as quickly as she could without seeming very improper.

Raoul was jumping up and down and urging her to move faster so he could get in. Christine payed the small fee and they both walked in. Raoul almost ran ahead but Christine grabbed his hand. "NO Raoul. You need to hold my hand. You don't want to get lost do you?"

Raoul's face became downcast. He reluctantly grabbed Christine's hand. "No." Christine smiled

"Now that's better."

The two walked over to the first exhibit they saw. It was the snapping turtles. Raoul stuck his hand through the gate and waved it in front of the huge turtle. At first the turtle just stared at it lazily.

_Oh please. Not a fop!_ It thought.

Opening its huge jaws, the turtle prepared to snap Raoul's hand off. Christine quickly pulled her husband's hand out of the fence. "NO RAOUL! You just look, don't touch."

"But he was about to talk to me!" Raoul whined.

"Do we need to go home?" Christine asked seriously.

"NO." Raoul said. "I'll be good.

The next exhibit was the parrot exhibit. Christine chose to go into this one since it was more interactive and the parrots did talk to you. She took Raoul in. He looked up and grinned.

Just then a large white and black turd landed straight in Raoul's mouth. Suddenly, ten birds had crapped on the man. It was in his hair and everywhere. But for some reason, Christine hadn't been touched. She pulled Raoul out of the parrot exhibit and began to wipe his face off. The hair was another story. She pulled a ribbon out of her bag and tied the man's hair up. There was no other way to hide the bird poo.

Erik hid behind the tree, laughing. He hadn't even done anything yet and the boy was already being dumb!

Raoul and Christine moved on, walking down the paths. The tigers were next, and Erik took this moment to act out his plan.

He took the key out of his pocket.

Raoul leaned against the gate, staring at the tigers as they roamed around the large pen. He noticed that the gate was hanging open then. He pulled on Christine's sleeve and alerted her to this.

"Oh man. I'll go get security. You just stay right here… and don't do anything." Christine hurried off to the guard station.

Raoul then saw a red meaty steak go flying through the air. He frowned and went to see where it came from. As he bent down to pick it up, he heard the growling… of a hungry tiger stomach.

Erik finished unlocking the elephants and gorillas. He screamed at the top of his lungs, frightening all of the creatures.

Raoul screamed his girly scream as the "threatened" tiger tackled him.

Just then, elephants and gorillas came running.

Within minutes, Raoul was trampled flat.

Christine gasped and came running to him.

His dying words were: "I didn't even get to see the peacocks."

And then he was gone.

Christine wailed. Just then a voice came over the loud speaker. "Christine, will you marry me?"

Christine fell to the ground and wept harder.

From that day on she had a strange obsession with peacocks.

That was weird, eh? I was just reading back over the others and I didn't realize how stinking horrible they were! LOL!

_**Thanks for the reviews! **_

_**-Kara**_




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